Happy Friday!! Ramblings of a 4th grader...I mean 41 year old.

Happy Friday everyone!!!! The day is more than half over and the weekend is almost upon us. For some that may mean absolutely nothing if you have to work on the weekend, but hopfully you will get to enjoy it anyway. I will say that the weather here in Memphis has been STUPENDOUS!!! I mean 85 degree weather or less and at night 68 degrees. Now this is my time of the year....that is until it gets hot again. Cause y'all know Summer ain't over yet.

So I've been thinking again. I know, I know... bare with me cause I have to put stuff in bullets or else you won't be able to follow my craziness.

•I've lost 11 pounds so far. I went in to the surgery weighing 270# and I now weigh 259#. So why am I thinking I'm not doing enough to lose like other people. It's funny because I go on other blogs and see what people who were banded around the same time as I have lost and I even go on blogs and count up the number of #s they have lost in 2 weeks(where I am) or a month. For instance Michelle over at The Band in Me has lost 27#s in little over a month. Am I jealous, by all means no. I am happy and excited for her, but it makes me question am I doing enough to loose. Ok so I know that I should not be comparing my loss and efforts to others, but I don't want to fail. I guess I look at what others are doing and see a standard that I should be upholding to. I always think I'm slacking somehow. I'm goofy y'all forgive me.

•I did Zumba last night with a friend/fellow band parent. I was content with staying in the back because I'm uber goofy and am not coordinated in the least, but she insisted I come up front with her. I couldn't keep up, but I did the whole work out. At some points I got a little embarrassed because I wasn't doing the moves right most of the time. At one point one of the teachers (three were interchanging), got in front of me and was doing the exercises. I guess to coax me along. I got through it though and have vowed to do Zumba twice a week (every Tuesday & Thursday). My friend said that the teachers we had last night were not the usual teachers and basically didn't do like the one that always facilitates (did that make sense). Jenese the regular teacher has a routine that everybody pretty much knows and that even she (my friend) was thrown off a little. Although it made me feel a little better, I still would have been out of my element even with the regular teacher because I didn't know any of it. There was this little pixie of a girl that had the moves down pat and I was just watching her to keep up. She was on the other side of my friend. She saw me watching her and would smile every now and then. She smiled and waved when she left class. I felt a little embarrassed again.

•I want to join Boobs, but I haven't even read the website. I don't even know what the group is all about. I have saw many post on other blogs about Boobs and even know about the upcoming Chicago trip, but have never ventured over there to see what it was all about. At one point when I first heard mention of Boobs, I decided I wasn't going to investigate because I had no boobs. I know silly of me. With this cancer thing as positive as I can be at times, I can also think of the most asinine and stupidest thing to be hard on myself for. Even now I sit here and actually have the nerve to cry because when I was at Zumba I wondered what folk thought of me because I didn't have any. I didn't know what was going on in the head of that little pixie of a girl exercising. I didn't know if she was judging me and thought something else. Although if I was a lesbian it would not be a bad thing, but you never know what people think of you just by your outer appearance. I wanted to yell out "It's ok I'm a BC survivor." So what if they thought anything, it doesn't matter what they think. I usually don't care what people think, but lately here I have been seeing a lot of looks from folk. It's like they look at me and don't realize that I can see the focus of their eyes shift to my chest. Sometimes I shrug it off and other times I don't know how to feel.

•With all of this I feel like a kid. A 4th grader wondering if I will have friends when school starts. for some reason I've just been doubting myself lately. I'm missing my son and feel lost at times. Here I go with the crying again.

•I don't know if you remember the post I made about my Executive Director (ED) leaving?? Well a couple of my collegues think I would be wonderful in that position. It would mean more money, but also much more responsibility. Well she isn't even gone yet (1 more week) and she has posted her own job. Yeah I know. She is so full of herself, but my VP couldn't do it because she doesn't know how. Go figure. Anyway, I pulled up the post (btw, I haven't told my VP I want the job yet) and the things my ED says she does, I actually do. My co-worker says she doesn't do that stuff you do. I had to laugh because it is so true. Now I went down to talk to my old VP who is like one of my mentors and she told me "don't tell yourself no, let someone else tell me no." In other words I should apply for the position and if it is for me I will get it. She did tell me something that I hadn't thought of. My ED spends a lot of time flirting with the donors. Working directly with donors is the one thing I don't do. She does a lot of smoozing and flirting to get that money out of them. My old VP said she is like a hostess. She entertains and that I should be aware of that. I began thinking, what if I can't do that. What if these donors need someone who is flighty and sugary. You know the kind. They speak to you in the highest possible pitch voice that is known to man. So high only dogs can hear it sometimes, LOL. My co-worker who is like one of my main supporters here told me that with my personality I would win them over because I'm sincere, unlike my soon to be ex-ED.

Anyway, that was the ramblings of a not so 41 year old. Forgive me for today. I'm a little bit off.

Have a wonderful weekend.


tessierose said...

Oh honey, so many changes happening all at once. Please be kind to yourself. You've been through so much. BOOBS stands for band of outrageous babes, you definitely fit the bill there. It's just a group of bloggers all going to Chicago for a convention if you will. We'd love for you to join! Just go over to the BOOBS page and read all about it. I know you're feeling sensitive right now, I went through that too, and then I was unable to make my self feel better with food. Just hang in there and keep writing, it'll get better. Big Hug!!!!

Joey said...

Honey-bunny!!!! Don't be down!

I second what Tess said.

I was a slow loser at first. There are peaks and valleys - don't be discouraged. I know it's very frustrating.

You should totally go for the job. There is more than one way to skin a cat (ewww). I mean that there are other tactics other than flirting to charm someone out of their clams. I'm not a flirt either, but I can make them laugh. Use what the lord gave you. You can do it!!!

We ADORE you!

Bonnie said...

First of all, I think it is so awesome that you stepped out of your comfort zone to do Zumba. I belong to a gym and still don't feel comfortable going myself - I'll go with my husband, but he's not been very motivated to go lately. And, there is no way he'd ever take any classes with me. I'm hoping soon I'll be able to do a post of putting on my big girl pants and taking a class. BOOBS is definitely for everybody - whether you got them or you don't. I'm pretty small chested for a big girl, which bothers me, but I feel like an idiot complaining about it considering what you've been through. I've only lost 14.4 since surgery (7/9) and am actually pretty happy with that. A lot of people don't lose until they get true restriction so I think we are doing great.

Sandy Lee said...

And I'll second Joey's name for you. Oh Honey-Bunny. Don't be down. I would NEVER go to Zumba because I am the most unco-ordinated person in the world. So good for you for getting out there. I lose so slow it is frustrating. I think I lost only 5 pounds in the first month after surgery. I did lose 15 on the liquid diet and that is what I count. Since then it has been sloooow.

Go for the job!! Please. As one of your friends said-don't say no, let them say no.

And yes you can be a BOOB-Band of Outrageous Babes. I am sorry that the name made you sad. What you have gone through is tremendous and I applaud your courage to keep going on.

So Honey-bunny, keep blogging and we will be here to help pick you up!

Pamela E. Williams said...

You all are so wonderful. Making me cry all over again. I shouldn't be this way. I thank you for being such loving people. I love you all so much.

And Tess you are right. Before I would make myself feel better by getting the biggest hamburger I could find, but I can't do that anymore and have to deal with these feelings. I guess thats what I was talking about and reading about from you other fabulous ladies a few weeks ago.

Thank you again.

Angela said...

Honey bunny (I think this nickname might stick), I completely understand your feelings. Just hang in there. Being new to the blog world can sometimes feel liking being late to the party but we just have to think of ourselves as the new generation. Soon we will be the wizened skinny b's of the group...and we will have to be the first to sign up for BOOBS 2.0 If not we're going to have to fight over that suitcase. :)

Cindylew said...

Hang in there Honey are so not alone. You're a integral part of this sisterhood and we are all here for you.
Love you.

Stephanie said...

Hey there, my soul sister...I need you to do something for me, ok? You need to stop comparing your losses to that of anyone else. We all lose weight at different speeds and I know I drove myself CRAZY at the beginning because I didn't feel like I was losing as fast as everyone else. Your losses will come. Have faith in the band and most of all, yourself!

Nicole said...

Oh Pamela, you are doing so well!! 11 lbs in two weeks is terrific, but I understand the urge to compare. I am not even banded yet and I am comparing my possible future weight loss to others. It's a slippery slope.

I don't know what the Zumba pixie or any of the other people around you are thinking, but I can tell you what I would think. My family has more than its fair share of cancer survivors and those who have lost the battle. All of the survivors are strong and courageous people who have lived through the worst life can throw at you and come out on the other side. So if I noticed your chest, I would think "Thank God! She survived. I wish I knew her name, so I could put it on my tag when I walk next year." And anyone who thinks different is a weenie.

I saw a What Not to Wear about a breast cancer survivor who lost 90 pounds and decided to not have reconstructive surgery after a double mastectomy. Let that band work for you and this time next year, we'll all nominate you and get you $5000 for a new wardrobe!!

See you next year at BOOBS!